Baby Talk

If you’ve been following along on our little blog over the last years, you’ll remember we did a post answering all of the questions we got asked the most after we announced we were pregnant with our first baby. We lovingly called it “Baby Babble” and as painful as parts of it are to read now, we are still glad to have record of our journey through Kamri’s pregnancy. It only feels right to do the same with Baby #2, so we’re back with a bit more Baby Talk. Here are the answers to some of the questions we know have been floating around, some asked and some we just know you are wondering about, but trying to be sensitive in your asking (for which, we are grateful)…

When is the baby due? Our baby boy is due February 14th, 2018. Apparently, our kids like the holidays. 🙂

Why did you wait so long to share? With this pregnancy, we waited until I was about 24 weeks along, in contrast to Kamri’s pregnancy, which we shared at about 12 weeks. Simply put… we just weren’t ready until later in the process. As you can imagine, there are more emotions and layers to this experience than we will ever be able to explain and we decided that it would be best to give ourselves as much time as possible to process through some of that on our own before opening up to the public. We have been blessed by so many people loving, praying for, and following Kamri’s story this whole time. When it felt right, we knew we wanted to tell you about this next chapter and cannot thank you enough for the outpouring of love you have shown our family.

Is it safe to have another baby, given Kamri’s medical story? The question we have not really talked about much since her daily medical updates stopped, but the one that we know is on many people’s minds. Someday, we will share the details of Kamri’s condition, but in the simplest of terms, she was born with lungs that were too small to function on their own. One of the most important tests we opted to do after Kamri passed away was a genetics test, comparing her DNA with both Mitch and mine. The purpose of this test was to determine if her condition could have been caused by something in either of our DNA, which would indicate a chance that this could happen again to future children. As it turns out, our girl is one of a kind (in so many ways)… not only did the genetics test show that she did not inherit any genes that would have resulted in her condition, but her story is so rare that she is 1 of about 10 cases ever reported in the entire world. The chances of her having what she had were like getting struck by lightening and the chances of future children having the same condition are the same. While all of that is well and good, it was our baby that was one in a million. So yeah, it is “safe” for us to have more children, but as you can imagine, that is hardly comforting as we enter into this journey again.

Has anything changed about the pregnancy care and preparation for labor given your history? In terms of the pregnancy, not really. We are not considered “high risk”, due to the results of the genetics test and the unlikelihood that that will ever happen again. We’ve had a few extra tests and ultrasounds to keep a closer look on the baby’s development (all have come back with flying colors so far), but nothing beyond that. In terms of delivery, we have decided to go with a scheduled C-Section for a number of reasons. Although our boy is due on February 14th, the surgery has been scheduled for February 7th. So unless he decides to come any earlier than that on his own, we’ll have a February 7th birthday boy in our family.

How has the pregnancy been so far? Were/are you as sick as you were with Kamri? I was definitely sick again this time around. In terms of this pregnancy verses Kamri’s, that’s a hard question. It’s difficult for me to differentiate between the two sometimes, maybe because they are so close together, maybe because we are just hanging on in a whirlwind of a year in general. In terms of sickness, in some ways it has felt worse this time around (I have been sick longer into the pregnancy than I was with Kamri… I still get sick at least once a week). In other ways, I feel like it is child’s play compared to the other pain I’ve been navigating this year. With Kamri’s pregnancy, there was not much to distract me… with this one, there is plenty else to think about. Also, by the time this baby is born, I’ll have been pregnant for just about two years straight, so maybe I’m just getting really good at being sick and it doesn’t feel like a big deal anymore. 🙂

Have you felt him kick? Yes. I would say, I really started to feel him around the 20-22 week mark. He is a moving, kicking machine in there… almost as much as his sister.

Do you have a name picked out? Will you share it? We are in the process of  narrowing down a few options we like, but in general, boys names have been harder for us. Even with Kamri, we always had an easier time of coming up with girl names than we did boy’s. In terms of sharing once we do decide, we’ll probably keep it to ourselves until he’s born, like we did with Kamri.

Will you take maternity pictures again? Already done. They’re the ones you are seeing in this post. 🙂 While it was not the easiest thing in the world (we just did all of this a year ago), we are working hard to create moments and memories that are unique and special to this baby. We want him to have a baby book someday that is filled with his story, just as we will be making one for Kamri that is filled with hers. Although their stories are so entwined together (something that is very precious to us), we are doing our best to honor the fact that each of our children are individuals with their own journey and their own story. So, just as we did for Kamri in documenting her pregnancy, we’re trying our best to do the same with his… however emotionally vulnerable it requires us to be.

What are your plans for a nursery? Will he use Kamri’s room? We’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this and processing what feels right for us. In terms of a nursery for Baby #2, we have decided to use the room at the end of the hall, nestled between Kamri’s and our’s. As I’ve said in previous posts, we spend quite a bit of time in Kamri’s room and it has been a good space for us to have the opportunity to spend time with just her when we need it, apart from other areas of the house. We’ve agreed that it feels right to keep her room as her room for now and create a new space for the new baby. This will allow us to take our time getting used to the transition of going from having one to two kids and it helps to ward off the anxiety of feeling like we don’t have the space or freedom to interact with both of our children in the ways we need to. We are in a very unique position in that we are having to process both the death of our first child and the birth of our second simultaneously. We want to honor both Kamri and the new baby and for us, in this season, that looks like having a bedroom for each.

Will you make any changes to Kamri’s room? Not for right now. We’re taking our time and giving ourselves the freedom of no pressure to do anything for as long as we want. The plan for now is to keep it the same and to continue to use it as we have been. When Baby Boy comes, we plan on spending time with him in there too… we want him to know his sister, enjoy the peacefulness of her room, read books in there, play, and whatever other ways we find ourselves spending time together as a family. In terms of nursery items, we’ve also decided that we’ll be getting several new and different things for the new baby’s room. We are just not at a point where we’re ready to take many things out of Kamri’s room and move it into his yet. We might not ever be and that’s okay too. For now, we are just letting the peace guide us in terms of which items of Kamri’s feel okay to pass along to her brother and which will remain special to her.

How do you feel, physically, at 31 weeks? Like I’ve been pregnant for two years. This process has been a hard one for me, physically. My body is exhausted. There is a reason why it is common to wait a bit between pregnancies.

How do you feel emotionally? Um, that question is too hard. Next? 🙂

Just kidding… we know this is the big one on everyone’s mind. I don’t know that we’ll be able to fully answer it here very eloquently, but we can try. It might be easier to break it down into smaller questions…

Are you happy? Yes.

Are you sad? Yes.

Are you excited? Yes.

Are you scared? Yes.

We are not one thing without all of the others. I think that’s the bottom line. There is not one emotion without the presence of everything else. We are happy about having a baby. We are also devastated that Kamri is not here. As good as our current circumstance is, it is not what it was supposed to be. It is not complete and it is not without emptiness. A new baby does not change the fact that our first baby died. The joy of a new baby does not wipe away the pain of losing our sweet girl. It doesn’t even dim it. We are a melting pot of almost every emotion you can think of. Sometimes, one emotion might take center stage for a moment or two. Sometimes, a wave of excitement crashes over us when we think of our son coming. Sometimes, we are totally consumed with missing Kamri that it is painful to even think of giving any focus to another child. Sometimes, we are happy. Sometimes, the fear of another delivery knocks the wind right out of us. This experience is unlike anything we were ever prepared for… I don’t think you can really prepare for something like this. It is confusing, it is exhausting, and it is ever-changing.

There is a lot more to say about the emotional process of this particular season, so I think we’ll continue to slowly unpack it in other posts as we continue along this journey. Thank you for your care, concern, and love, as we enter into this new season. Our lives, Kamri’s life, and our son’s life have been so richly blessed by each of you.