Happy 1st Birthday, Kamri Blaire

Oh, my… one full year since the day our sweet girl was born. Kamri has lit up our lives in a way that we cherish every single day. Over the last twelve months, we have shared bits and pieces from her life on Earth, memories and moments from our time with her, and many of the remarkable things that make her who she is. Here is our collection of those reflections, ending with one of our most treasured videos of Kamri in honor of her 1st birthday.

JANUARY 28, 2017: One Month Old (taken from the reflections we gave at Kamri’s funeral on 1/28/17)

Mitch: Despite our daughter’s life being only 23 days long, I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to get to know her and see the peace she felt when her mother and I stood next to her bedside and read to her or sang to her, “You are my sunshine.” Despite the wires, breathing tubes and circuits that our angel was connected to, when we were with Kamri, the only thing I saw was my beautiful daughter and my little fighter. 

While I stand here today hurting that I am faced with the reality of not physically having the chance to do some of things that I was so looking forward to from the moment I heard I would be having a little girl; coaching her soccer team, dancing with her at her wedding and having her fall asleep on my chest each night, I stand here and proclaim that we serve a good and loving God that I love with all my heart and that blessed me with the most beautiful daughter I could have ever asked for. I will forever be proud of her fighting spirit, sassy eye looks and her stare that looked right into my soul and pierced me with more love than I could ever imagine. Through this struggle and tragedy, I have not lost my daughter, but she just has the blessing of stepping into the presence of our Lord and Saviour first and we will see each other again. I love you Kamri Blaire, you will always be daddy’s sweet girl. 

Leslie: Kamri Blaire, my sweet, sweet girl. I will love you forever. I will never forget the way you looked at me, never forget the way you squeezed my hand, never forget your beautiful head of hair. You have taught me so much. It has been an honor being your mom and although I would give anything in this world to hold you, kiss you, and watch you grow up, I know that you are in the most perfect place and that someday, we will get to be with you forever. I can’t wait. For now, I’ll just say the same thing that I’ve said to you every night since we met. Hi, my little love. Mommy’s right here. Daddy’s right here. I am so proud of you. I think you’re so brave and you’re so strong and you’re so kind and you’re so smart and you’re so important and you are so, so loved. Mommy loves you. Daddy loves you. And Jesus loves you so much. Out of all the little Kamri’s in the world, I’m so glad you’re mine. I love you, sweet girl. 

FEBRUARY 28, 2017: Two Months Old

We were so excited to share our daughter with the world… her personality, her milestones, the beauty that God created in her. We’ve decided that there is no reason not to do that, not to post pictures, even if she is not here anymore. That’s what any proud parent does and we couldn’t be prouder of our little sunshine! Currently, this is our favorite picture of Kamri and one that we look at multiple times a day… that tongue gets me every time! To our sweet girl, we miss you every moment of every day. Mommy and Daddy love you so much! I hope you and Jesus are having fun sticking your tongues out at each other. Give his finger a squeeze for us, baby girl. 

MARCH 28, 2017: Three Months Old

To our sweet girl with the pink socks and big blue flower… You are 3 months old today!! Mommy and Daddy love you so much, Kamri Blaire. I bet they throw the best 3 month birthday parties in heaven… we can’t WAIT to see what it’s like someday. I love you, sweet girl. 

APRIL 28, 2017: Four Months Old

To the man who makes me happy, even when the skies are the darkest of grays… I know where our little sunshine gets it from. Mitch, I know this was not a “happy” birthday or even a “good” day… all I know is that I am thankful for you and thankful that God gave you to me, that God gave you to Kamri. We both love you beyond words. 

To my sweet girl… you are 4 months old today! Daddy and I love you, Kamri, and we miss you, especially today, especially this week. Do me a favor and give Daddy a little glimpse of you this weekend… it would make his birthday just a little bit brighter. We love you, sweet girl. 

MAY 28, 2017: Five Months Old

Another of our favorites of little Kam girl… she had the most adorable little legs and we always loved walking in to see her napping with them tucked up like this.  We call these her little froggy legs! 🐸

To our sweet baby girl… you are five months old today!! We love every single thing about you, all the way down to your little legs and toes. Daddy and I can’t wait to see you again, Kamri Blaire. We love you, little froggy girl! 

JUNE 28, 2017: Six Months Old

Mitch: You would be 6 months old today my beautiful girl. Words can’t express how much mommy and I miss you and wish you were here. It’s devastating without you and it truly feels empty and meaningless every single day not having you with us. Know daddy loves you so much and is forever proud of you. You will always be my sweet girl.

Leslie: I will never forget this day, sweet girl. This was the first day we saw you without your hat on, the first day we saw your hair! When we turned the corner into your room that day, I remember the biggest rush of happiness fill me up and I couldn’t help but run the rest of the way to your bed. You were still a little puffy from all the liquids in your body and sleeping so soundly, so peacefully. I remember being in complete awe of you and of the joy you brought me each morning we walked in. You make me the happiest I have ever been, Kamri.

JULY 28, 2017: Seven Months Old

One of the sweetest parts of being Kamri’s parents was getting to “feed” her everyday. I pumped every day of Kamri’s life, waiting and waiting for the day that I could feed her myself. Instead, whenever we wanted, our CHOP nurses let us swab some of the milk in Kamri’s mouth and on her lips and tongue. Our favorite part was when she learned to suck. Her little mouth sucking away on something only I could give her, fed to her often by me or Daddy, is one of our most precious memories. We will remember those moments with Kamri forever.

AUGUST 28, 2017: Eight Months Old

Mitch: You would be 8 months today my sweet girl. Words cannot express the feeling of emptiness that hits every day realizing you are not here. I could not love you more and could never be more proud to be your Father.

I love you so much, Kamri Blaire.

Leslie: This girl is, without a doubt, the smartest, most perceptive person I have ever met. I know I’m her mom and that comes with a whole lot of bias, but for all of us that met her in person, we got to see it firsthand. Kamri, you are brilliant.

She knew and was aware of so much around her. She could hear and decipher voices, always knowing when Mommy or Daddy was close by. One of my favorite memories of Kamri was watching her little eyes dart around the room, always looking for where her Daddy’s voice was coming from. If you were standing in front of her, forget being the center of her focus if Daddy was anywhere in the room. It made my heart soar to hear that she was constantly on Mommy look-out too. 

SEPTEMBER 28, 2017: Nine Months Old

Clearly, little Kam (sometimes we call her K-Cup) rolled with style. It was such a small, but powerful blessing to come into her room in the mornings to see what patterns and blankets she’d be sporting… CHOP nurses know how much the little things matter when your whole world is 6.5 lbs.

This picture was taken on the day we first got to hold Kamri, Thursday, January 19th. We’ll never forget that day… it was the day before the day Kamri met Jesus. In this picture, she’s got quite a lot of fashion choices going on. The blankets she’s lying on are the ones we held her in the day she died… I sleep with that brown and white striped one under my pillow every night. Her lime green Dino head wrap (you go girl) was put in place to protect her ECMO tubes as Daddy and Mommy held her and all her family gave her kisses and snuggles. We had bought her that blue flower clip and it was the same one she ended up wearing for her baptism.

OCTOBER 28, 2017: Ten Months Old

Kamri had the best fingers and toes. Her fingers had the prettiest little fingernails and they were one of the parts of her body that made us feel most connected to her. Early on, she learned how to squeeze our fingers in her little hand. That feeling was euphoric- the fact that such reflexes meant she was surpassing all of the doctors’ expectations for her at that time, but more so, she was communicating with Mommy and Daddy. Once she had a hold of your finger, she would just hang on for as long as you were willing to sit there. Oh Kamri, the world slowed to a pause when we got to hold your hand. Nothing compares to that feeling.

NOVEMBER 28, 2017: Eleven Months Old

Mitch and I would like to introduce you to something very near and dear to our hearts… the infamous Kamri “scrunchy face”. This is one of our all-time favorite things about our girl. We always say she is equal parts sweet and sassy (but mostly sweet) and we get asked a lot what we mean by “sass”. Kamri Blaire had OPINIONS. She had a brilliant mind of her own with thoughts and reactions and insights about the world around her. It was incredible to watch her mind work and beautiful to watch her body reflect what she was thinking or feeling.

Because of the tubes between her vocal chords that were helping to do the work of her lungs, Kamri could not make any noises. She could not cry, scream, babble… anything that healthy babies can do. Not being able to hear her do any of those things was torture, but it forced us to learn how to communicate with her in other, very profound ways… something we are so grateful for.

Kamri, not to be outdone by her lack of noises, created her own forms of communication. Her scrunchy face was simultaneously one of the most heart wrenching and hilarious things to watch. Kamri was a beacon of calm, quiet strength and for the most part, would be totally content napping peacefully or looking around as we spent hour after hour by her bedside. But, give her something she didn’t like and she would most certainly give you what she thought about it in return.

Her face would slowly start to scrunch up, her eyebrows and nose wrinkling into the most adorable expression of disgust. (You can see the beginning of it that we just happened to catch on camera in the difference between the first and second picture below.) Every so often, her mouth would open too, in a silent outcry against whatever was bothering her. Usually it was during bath time, sometimes when her diaper was changed or if it was time to shift her bedding and position, and most often in response to the non-stop crying of one of her roommates. Like her Mom and Dad, she had a low tolerance for whining, that’s for sure. 

There is no torture quite like having to watch your child in pain or discomfort without being able to make it better, make it go away, take it from them. For that reason, the scrunchy face is heart breaking for us. At the same time, we love it because it reminds us of what a strong fighter our sweet girl was. We love that she had her own plans, had her own thoughts, and had willpower and determination far beyond her years. Kamri fought for every minute of her life, always pushing beyond the limits that were expected of her. Our daughter taught us what strength looks like and any of our own fight this last year, we learned from her.

Kamri Blaire, you are eleven months old today! Oh, sweet girl… you are beautiful, strong, smart, and kind and we are so proud you are ours. This time last year, we were in the home stretch, awaiting your arrival. As we talk and think about Advent this year, there is such a deep pain because you should be here with us, preparing for the birth of our Savior. In fact, you’re the one that taught us what true anticipation of such joy and love looks like. As we waited for you last year, you taught us that our waiting on Christ should be just as anticipated, just as looked-forward-to as the arrival of our sweet girl. The only saving grace to not having you here with us now is that you are no longer waiting for Jesus, but get to spend every moment in His glorious presence. How we yearn for the day that we can do the same and you’re the one that taught us what a joy that will be. Mommy and Daddy miss you, Kamri Blaire, and we love you. We love you so much, sweet girl. 

DECEMBER 28, 2017: Twelve Months Old

I don’t even know where to begin. There is so much emotion as we find ourselves one year from the day our sweet girl was born. There is one very precious memory that we’ve been holding onto tightly this year… one that is imprinted on our hearts, as it was the closest we’ve ever felt to Kamri. In honor of her first birthday, we’d like to share what is perhaps our most intimate and beautiful experience with our daughter.

We’ve talked about it before, but not in great length. There was something remarkable that happened every time we looked into Kamri’s eyes. After about a week into her life, she became more alert and attentive every single day to who and what was happening around her. This opened a whole new world for us. The first time we looked into her eyes and she stared straight into ours with a knowledge and perception of things so much deeper than we could understand, our world changed. Both Mitch and I have said… she looked at us in a way that no one else on this Earth ever has or ever will. She saw straight into who we are and showed she knew us to our core. I have never in my life felt like I was looking at the face of Jesus until I shared those moments with my daughter.

She knew so much more than we did in those days and weeks… we’re convinced of that. Kamri had the wisdom of the Father, the peace of the Holy Spirit and the deep, deep love of Jesus Christ woven through every part of her being. We believe that this is because God, Himself, was with Kamri every single minute of her life and she knew that. She knew He was holding her night after night, when we left CHOP. She knew He was standing with us when we stood by her bedside, hour after hour. She knew He was sitting right next to her, right next to us, as we listened to report after report from doctors, without being able to take our eyes off our beautiful girl. She knew He was holding our hands too as she squeezed our fingers with her little ones. She knew He was crying with us as we sobbed to Him to let her live, all the while holding her tightly in His arms, whispering “I’m right here, Kamri. I love you and I will never leave you.” Kamri Blaire knew the presence of Jesus Christ and showed this to us just by looking into our eyes.

We will never forget the beauty of being loved so deeply in that way. Kamri showed us what it feels like to be loved beyond anything we can measure… with words, with pictures, with videos. That is the way that Jesus loves us. The love of Christ is the deepest, most profound reality we will ever encounter. Our daughter reminded us of that with just her eyes. No medium can ever capture such a feeling, such an experience… but we do have one video that comes about as close as we might ever get. This video is one of our most precious memories, something we watch when we need to be reminded of how real Kamri is, how real our love is for her and hers is for us, and how real the Spirit of Christ was within her.

Oh, Kamri Blaire… there is no way to say how much Daddy and I would give to see you in person again, to hold your hand, and rub your soft skin, and kiss you all over. You have changed our lives and your love for us has transformed who we are, much like what the love of Christ does for us. In you, God created a masterpiece. What a joy it is to get to see His work firsthand and what an honor it is to be your parents. There is no way to tell you how much I love you, how much Daddy loves you. I think you know, though… I think that you saw the depth of our love for you when you looked into our eyes. One day, we will get to be together forever in the presence of the King of the World. You taught us more about the beauty and joy and perfection that is to come in eternity and we will never lose sight of the assurance that one day, all of pain of this world will pass away and we will be with you and Jesus forever. What a glorious day that will be.

Happy Birthday, Kamri Blaire. Daddy and I love you, sweet girl. We love you so much.